It is 2.49 a.m and I am sitting in my car. I just had a good cry. I am feeling desperate. I am falling apart. I am exhausted. I am fed up.
At this hour almost every night I resent being a mother. It may sound awful but it is how I am feeling right now. Tomorrow morning will be a different story. I will feel like a different woman. My son is great and I cope with working and being a mum. I juggle with effort but I can handle it – no desperation.
I have tried to find a ‘solution’ but it seems that there isn’t a straightforward one, and over time this will go away – well that is what I have been told. Two months on and I am still here – having another sleepless night.
In moments like these I also feel that men have it easy – his dad is fast asleep in a different country due to work and as much as he misses him he gets away – he gets his breaks and has absolutely no idea what it feels like to be alone dealing with this.
I am often asked about number two – I don’t want a number two. I cannot even start to imagine going through all this again. I am sure (well I hope) that there are women out there who feel like me. Motherhood is great and I would not change it for the world but it is a struggle and no beautiful Facebook picture tells the story behind the scenes. And now this is the tricky part of the night – he is fast asleep so the next struggle is carrying a 10 kg + boy back home and guess what? I am not parked anywhere close to my house as there is no parking space (wouldn’t parking for families be ideal?).
If you are wondering why on earth I decided to get out of my home at this ungodly hour – it is because I was desperate. The screaming was uncontrollable and I felt bad for everyone else in my block of flats. People understand but I guess we all have our limits.
In moments like these I also feel that men have it easy – his dad is fast asleep in a different country due to work and as much as he misses him he gets away – he gets his breaks and has absolutely no idea what it feels like to be alone dealing with this. So when he says ‘calm down’ or ‘I understand’ I know that he has absolutely no idea and I give up trying to explain.
So this is for all you lovely mums – those who are going through what I am going through. We are in this together and we should keep supporting each other – it is up to each and everyone of us to support women, women who understand us and women who can bring change. I wish you well and of course lots of sleep.
This blog post was submitted to Buzymummy by a contributor who wishes to remain anonymous on 16/07/16.